spinning a web... i sink into the abyss

I'm certain I'm pretty much a terrible conversationalist...
I'm really sorry.. I dont have much confidence in myself to start with...
Sometimes, I just find it so hard to look confidently at someone and speak as though I'm on the same level as the person...

The more I admire or respect the person, the harder it gets.. HAHAs...
U get the picture?!

maybe actually thats possible.. but... I guess.. I'll need a hell lot of confidence and skills...

I dunno..

I'm sorry..

maybe when the day I can finally live life the way I want to
When I can finally be myself, do the things I want, live the way that I want to,
Change the way I look, the way I feel about myself, perhaps I will finally be able to speak to anyone with confidence and feel good about myself...

Maybe I'm not too used to hanging around with people... or maybe I just dunno them well enough.

too little experience i guess.. hahs..

Often, how badly I wish I could behave like their friends around them.
I dunno whats hindering me from behaving naturally or with confidence...

I often wonder why...
often I gaze upon the floor, avoid a gaze or start becoming quiet...
I start to hold myself back. I start to withdraw inwards..

I'm sorry... I dont mean to...
sometimes its just that I really dunno what to do or say...
I feel so uncertain of myself..
I fear...

sometimes, I have just so much to say...
but,

I just dunno if i should say at all-- if the other party wants to hear any of the crap at all...

So, I just keep quiet...

Half wishing I could just fade away...

yet... ironically..

at the same time i so badly wish someone could notice me and stop me from falling...
sinking into this abyss..

I dunno...

I long to break free...

from this web which I spun and caught myself in...